The Lazy Cows Guide To Housekeeping

Some of my favourite tips I have picked up over the years. You’re welcome. 

1. Storage. Ideally a spare room upstairs that you can chuck things into and close the door. If not possible good storage around the house to hide things in. If this is also not possible, invest in some pretty boxes. You know the vintage floral kind that look so pretty? Fill them with junk to give the appearance of clutter free-living.

2. Baby wipes are your friend. One packet will clean an average sized house from top to bottom. They remove most things from furniture and surfaces. Always have a packet in the house, even if you do not have a baby.

3. An iron can cause serious damage to both your skin from burn injuries  and to clothes, also from burn injuries. Don’t use one. Most things you can get away with folding, especially if dried in a dryer.  Hang clothes in bathroom when having shower and most creases fall out. If you absolutely have to iron something, a ghd or any good hair straightener will remove creases.

4. Playrooms never look like they do in magazines. They are a cesspit of broken barbies, lego that you stand on and the smell is usually from a half eaten banana hidden amidst the boxes of jigsaws which have bits missing and are never played with anyhow. For your own sanity you need to accept this. A play room will never be truly clean and when partially clean it only lasts for two minutes, then it is thrashed again.  It is a total and complete waste of time trying to keep one clean. Life is too short. All playrooms should be bulldozed off the face of the earth.

No Child Has EVER even been in a three mile radius of this room

5. Beds All beds should have a sheet over the mattress and a duvet. The end. No over sheets, throws or any other malarkey. If you feel the need to get into a bed with crisp sheets  tightly tucked in, check into a hotel or a hospital. If you put layers of bed-clothes on all the beds in your house, you are just asking for trouble.

6. Dusting. I do dust when it’s absolutely necessary but my friend Mr Sheen gets a lot of action. He lives beside the front door. A quick spray of him in your hallway twice a day gives visitors and your significant other the impression you have been dusting, when in fact all you have done is spray it in the general direction of the door and have actually been online all day! Genius, isn’t it? Nothing says clean house more than the smell of Mr Sheen.

7. The hoover can be used on many many surfaces, not just the floor. Sweeping up pasta/noodles should always be left until they go cold and hard. Relax, have coffee after dinner, then pick up the majority of the children’s dinner from the floor, takes a lot less time.

8. Keep a spare tin of paint in the house. Let the marks all over the walls build up, then just lash the paint on it. Make sure the paint is the same colour as the walls. Blends in quickly, takes two mins.

9. Bribe your kids. Give them a brush or a cloth and introduce pocket-money. I find half the time, they never look for the money after you give it to them and take it back again when they are not looking, obviously.

10.  Try and be more clutter free. Aim to dump two  black bags of “stuff” a month. No point hanging onto to the hideous leather jacket in the wardrobe just because it cost a fortune in 1998. You are never going to wear it again. Be ruthless with your children’s artwork, do not let them catch you dumping it though. Same goes for your husbands t-shirts. I don’t know why men hold onto t-shirts for 20+ years but its stupid and we all have a part to play in breaking this habit.

11. Scented Candles. Yes they smell can be overwhelming, nausea inducing and have to be bad for the planet but they mask all types of smells and create a nice glow that often hides mess. Invest in many.

12. The absolute fool-proof way of getting around housework is to employ a full-time housekeeper. Sadly this is not possible for most people but it is the first thing I would do with a lotto win.

If you are really very bad at housework you should have a cleaner. A good cleaner two hours a week will keep your house ticking over and the cost is reasonable enough. What would you prefer a weekly takeaway or a professional to do your floors and bathrooms?  If you are crap at plumbing, you would hire a plumber? True? If you are  desperate at housekeeping, a cleaner will help. Plus it brings the added advantage of knowing you have to clean up a bit so your cleaner doesn’t think you are a despicable slovenly slut.  It also saves time, a cleaner will do in two hours what would take you five, leaving you more time to earn money to pay the cleaner, spend time with your children, be happier and so on. Give up some other luxury and get a cleaner two hours a week. Newspapers and magazines can be read online, home hair colours are a lot better than they use to be, eat noodles or crackers twice a week instead of meat for dinner. There are ways to find the money to pay a cleaner.

13. If all else fails, I saw this tip online. I have used it. It works.

If anybody wants to share their own tips of how to keep your house clean without actually spending more than twenty minutes a day cleaning it, I would LOVE to hear them please.

0 thoughts on “The Lazy Cows Guide To Housekeeping

  1. Maud says:

    Lovely. I found on Monday that enforced stuck-in-the-house-ness due to weather events is also a good way to make me do the housework I usually avoid. Another good one is to let the kids watch a show on my laptop so that I have to wander aimlessly around until I find myself cleaning a countertop or something out of pure boredom.

  2. mind the baby says:

    I do 6/13 of these. There is no denying I am a crappy housekeeper. I thought I might improve once I started a family out of some kind of maternal, sanitary instinct but no. Looking at about 2 feet of unfolded laundry on the kitchen table as we speak. It’s going into the room you mentioned in number 1. Finished!

  3. thisismeandfood says:

    Brilliant – no.6 made me LOL I do that with Febreeze haha – I confess, my newest purchase – the steam mop, I’ve discovered it brings up the (manky as kid eats there most meals) absolutely lovely – genius!

  4. Anne says:

    Haven’t ironed in years and definitely not now with 3 kids! It has been so successful a friend is now following suit after telling her hubbie my secret – his response “but they all look well dressed!”…. see it really doens’t need to be done 🙂

  5. Kathy's Chronicles says:

    You are a woman after my own heart. My kids have no idea what an iron is. Case in point, my two-year-old once found it, plugged it in, and seeing that it didn’t beep or light up, left it face down on our carpet and walked away. Things like that always need to be documented:

    I used to have a two hour a week cleaner…then we moved. Don’t have one anymore. You make me think it’s time to find one again…I totally had to clean before she came over, “slovenly slut”, yep, that’s me. Well said!

Leave a Reply