I grew up believing I could have it all. Myself and other women my age are generally speaking , the first generation of women in Ireland, to grow up with this belief.
We were told from a young age, we could have any job a boy could have. We could and would go to college. Contraception was freely available to us. We could dress how we wanted to , be who wanted to, see who we wanted to, do what we wanted to. And this is how I lived my life. I grew up watching films like Working Girl .It still surprises me I never ended up living in New York buying and selling stock on wall street whilst running to work in my nikes under my power suit. And later running with a buggy with my power suit, baby bag slung over my shoulder pads.
I grew up in a home where both my parents worked. This was rather unusual in the 80’s amongst my peers. None of my friends mothers worked outside the home. It was the norm for me though. I was the first person in my family to go to university. I never expected not to go though. It wasn’t a big deal. I always expected to go to college. I grew up. I went on holidays.. I saw exciting and wonderful places. I was answerable to nobody. I was always lead to believe I could have it all and I did.
This is how I grew up. This is how a lot of people my age grew up. There were probably elements of taking certain things for granted. Afterall had I been born 30 years earlier my life and my expectations would have been different. We didn’t have lots of money. I never have had lots of money but always had enough.
Then I became a mother. Then I had a second child. Then I had a third child. And with each child my life got better and better. Then came the decisions and the questioning and the budgeting and the over analyzing. Because, and I appreciate this my be unpopular, but I believe as a mother you cannot have it all.
I have been through most scenarios. I have worked outside the home as a mother. I had a brief period of being a stay at home mother. For the majority of the time though I have worked in some capacity since becoming a mother seven years ago. I haven’t worked full time. This was my decision. Some would consider me fortunate that I was able to do this. I do.
I was reasonably young when my first child was born. I had never given consideration of what would happen afterwards. I went back to work when she close to a year old. I worked part time. Then my son was born. I reduced my hours more. Then I looked for work I could do around them. Then my second daughter was born and we rejigged things again. I questioned every decision we made. How would this effect us financially. How would I manage this work with small children. And back and forth I went and we muddled through and made it work and it hasn’t always been easy.
I never envisaged not working full time. I never imagined being responsible for three children. I never imagined feeling an emptiness the size of a crater in my stomach handing over my baby to be minded when I went to work. I never imagined sitting at home waiting for my husband to come home so I could have an adult conversation for the first time that day. I never realized I could feel bitter listening to my husband talk about the sights he saw on the other side of the world on a work trip when I had spent the previous week mopping vomit, waking up throughout the night, trying to work and failing to get dressed two days in a row but I did. A real low point was when I realized I was sitting watching Dora the Explorer when the kids had lost interest and then continued watching it see what happened.
I never realized that I would really struggle with housework and that it would really get me down. Loving and caring for my children came easily but nobody every taught me how to clean a house. Nobody told me three children make a lot of mess and a lot of laundry. Nobody has ever told me how to make a roast dinner. Yet it was expected, by me I should add not my husband or anyone else, that I was meant to know these things. I struggled and still struggle greatly with this. I have struggled with the idea of being a housewife because I never saw it in action. I know that sounds ridiculous but that’s how I have felt. I made a decision to cut back substantially on how much I worked and earned. My husband earned and earns the majority of the household income so I felt because of that I should really be able to keep the house clean and my husband and children fed. Not working outside the home-made me think I should become some warped Stepford Wife vision of a housewife. Then when I realized I was dire at being my idea of what a stay at home mother was meant to be at and we didn’t have much disposable income because of my reduced earnings I struggled more.
These are the dark parts. The bright parts are brighter than I ever could have imagined. I never realised how being a mother would be the best role I would ever have in my life. How much better it would be than imagined.
Its marrying the dark and the bright that has been the struggle though. I have found myself on so many occasions during the years, usually while picking off concrete weetabix from the floor with a brush or my nails, wondering is this what I went to university for? Is this it? The next day I have sat in a park with my three children in the sunshine counting my blessings.
I have found out what works for us some days. Some day’s it works. It has taken over six years though and two of my children go to school to get to these some days. I get to collect them from school. This is what I always wanted. To be there when they get home from school. Its taken me over six years to find my way and we are still not quite there. How long did it take you?
Until you have a child you don’t know how you will feel. I have seen friends swear blind they would be back to work full-time within six months and they couldn’t do it. I have seen others give up their careers to stay home with their children and being miserable doing so. You make the decision after your first child. Then if you have another the decisions have to be made again. With three children or more , unless you are earning a substantial salary and your partner too, childcare costs become prohibitive. Then the decision is taken from you. Or you lose your job and then you find yourself at home full-time when you had no plans to.
I am not writing men off here. I know the number of men staying home full-time is on the increase but in my opinion this is down to the recession and not by choice. In my experience there are few men who stay home full-time by choice while their partner works. I don’t know if this is hundreds of years of gender stereotype conditioning or just personal choice but in my opinion men who stay home by choice are few and far between.
So its down to personal choice and financial consideration. I do think a lot of woman compromise themselves greatly and have to battle with the feeling occasionally they are loosing out on some aspect of their lives be that not being there when a child is sick or by not being able to earn what they used to earn.
You read books about pregnancy and children. We learn how to care for babies. We read how to wean and what to feed our children and how to teach them and we learn that loving them is the most remarkable thing in the world. Nothing is there to help you though with the decision with your lifestyle and your career. I know people who find it awkward asking a mother with young children the standard question of “so what do you do?” .I know of recruiters that will favour a man aged 30 with a wedding ring over a woman aged 30 with a wedding ring purely because there is no risk of the man taking maternity leave in the forseeable future.
I don’t have answers on how to fix this. Tax relief for childcare, more flexible hours for both parents, subsidized childcare, both parents reducing working hours, increased maternity leave…. there are options there.I do think though realizing that actually you can’t have it all but you can have a different type of all and it just might take a while to get there can make life that little bit easier. I wish someone had of sat me down and told me this seven years ago. I really do.
We were brought up to believe we could have it all but its my , no doubt unpopular opinion, that actually we can’t. I hope these decisions are easier for our children.
