21 Questions For My Children

All of the following have happened in the last few days. Coincidentally I am home alone with the children for the last week. I have whole chunks of new grey hair and look five years older than I did a week ago. 

Dear Children,

  1. Why would you throw a full toilet roll into the toilet and if you really had to would you not have flushed the toilet first?
  2. Why would you put half a banana in your pocket?Fruit-Ripe-black-and-yellow-banana-skin-after-the-banana-has-been-eaten
  3. Why would you think your doll needed my Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream all over her body?
  4. Why do you leave your schoolbag in the house every morning when we leave?
  5. Why would you stab your mother with a scissors then get ridiculously freaked out by the sight of all the blood? If blood bothers you don’t stab people.
  6. Why would you put a hat on the top of the sweeping brush so that when I walked into the kitchen I thought it was a man standing with his back to me?
  7. Why ,after a lecture on why you should not put a banana in your pocket, the very next day put another half eaten banana in your pocket?
  8. Why do you eat everything given to you in other people’s houses but only eat cheese or chocolate in your own?
  9. Why is your new preferred insult to your sister ” You stupid woman”, where did these misogynist learnings come from?
  10. Why do you think you will get away with drawing on the walls when the same colour marker is all over your hands?
  11. Why are you all overcome with hunger and thirst the minute you get into bed at night?
  12. Why would you climb into the tiny space under the stairs in the bathroom, close the door and sit in between the hoover and old paint silently until I am sitting on the toilet and then burst out screaming “Surprise” really loudly?mom
  13. Why have you not tired of the One Direction cd yet? I did weeks ago.
  14. Why do you think its a good idea to throw your sisters shoes out the window?
  15. Why would put yogurt on the tv? Really what was the purpose? All it does  it obstruct your view and get you in trouble.
  16. Why after getting a ring stuck on your finger that took twenty minutes to take off, would you put the same ring back on the same finger?
  17. Why would you bring your sister upstairs and wash her hair with shampoo and conditioner but no water?
  18. Why, on the first warm evening in six months so the windows were open, would you run through house screaming ” Not my bum, please do not touch my bum, PLEASE DON’T HURT MY BUM AGAIN” just because you saw me with sudocrem in my hand?
  19. Why do you look at me with sympathy and explain in a soft voice that I don’t understand when we are doing YOUR homework, when  I am right and you are wrong?
  20. Why would you put a teddy bear bunny in the fridge again after the last time? You saw my reaction when I thought it was a rat in the fridge yet you did it again, Why?child cape
  21. Why do you still think you can fly? If you jump off the bunk bed again we will end up back in the hospital like last.  You can’t fly. Stop telling me and other people you can. I am all on for imagination just do not test the theory and stop talking about testing the theory, its not good for me.

With Best Regards

Your Broken Mother

7 thoughts on “21 Questions For My Children

  1. Deirdre says:

    I have my hand over my mouth trying not to laugh too loudly in case I wake my own three sleeping beauties. I particularly love number 12 and could put a tick beside quite a number of the others. I think life in your house will never be dull with such imaginative, funny children. You will look back and laugh….some day!

  2. Writer / Mummy says:

    Oh my goodness, I really hope you can read this post in a week’s time and laugh as I have done. Only in sympathy I promise. We’ve been a house of Flu for a week and I really really needed that laugh, so thank you. I hope to return the favour one day. (Sorry, still laughing at 12. and 20. And some of the others.)

  3. Frances says:

    I have tears rolling down my face right now – soooo funny. Who needs pelvic floor exercises? just read this!!! Brilliant xxxx

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