Summertime – When Garden Birds Have A Better Sex Life Than You………

Bright evenings, occasional sunshine, slightly reduced heating bills, Summer, in the main, is good. I like Summer or rather I like most things about Summer. Then are the things that bother me about this season. Some irrational ,some not so much.


  • The crushing disappointment that for every one day of sunshine there are thirteen days of rain and that even though we know this is going to happen, there is always the sliver of hope that this will be the year we get a good Summer then the rain pisses all over that hope.
  • The smell of BBQ, I like the occasional BBQ. I don’t like the neighbours constantly BBQ’ing and allowing the smell of BBQ to waft all over the place so that then I want to eat BBQ food and my family want to eat BBQ food and they wont eat my non BBQ food and dinner time just becomes a greater big ball of disappointment and my non BBQ food doesn’t get eaten.
  • The shorts argument I have I every year with myself. How does one actually wear shorts? Is there a cut off age? Where do you even buy decent shorts? I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about shorts but not wearing shorts. This is time that could be used better. 
  • The hair removal. So much more time-consuming in the Summer. Constant. Feckin’. Leg Shaving. ALL THE TIME. Not to mention the whole fake tan not to fake tan, which fake tan, time-consuming musings.
  • The “I am not going to bed, its bright” argument I have with my children every second night from April to October every year.

All of these are minor though,I realise that. Also I think these are problems a lot of people can identify with. My main irritant about Summertime is one that for some reason doesn’t seem to bother anyone else but it bothers me greatly or rather they bother me greatly. Wood Pigeons. Big huge, fat, hedonistic wood pigeons who spend a lot of time in my garden in the Summer months having sex.  I hate them. Detest them.


Feel free to read the following in a David Attenborough voice…….

They land in garden and march around. Preening and flirting. I can hear them walking on the ground, this is how big they are. Then the sex starts on the tree outside my window. Then the sex stops. Then the sex starts again. All day non stop riding from two fat pigeons. They don’t eat , they ride. They don’t fly, they ride. They don’t do whatever birds are meant to do, they ride.

Then they mock me. They don’t fly away when I roar at them. They smirk, then go and have another ride. They think my garden is the only place for sex in the Summer.

They are HUGE, super sized pigeons. I don’t think its coincidental that the number of missing small dogs posters multiply in the Summer months. I know these fat, care free, pigeons are swooping down and grabbing and eating these beloved pets to fuel their sex fests.

I was going to take a photograph of them , then I realised not only am I talking about them, I am now writing about them and photographing them too just seemed a step too close to insanity. Luckily I found one online. Bird porn. This is what is outside my window all summer long.

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All Summer this is what will be happening. Doesn’t matter where I go in the house I can hear or see them. At it. Just having sex all the long day, not working, not cleaning, not paying bills or food shopping or breaking up arguments, just riding and most likely judging me on my not so active sex life. They have that look about them. They make eye contact at me and sneer, then go and have another ride.

If there is anybody else out there who gets deeply irritated about the 50 Shades of Pigeon Love in their garden every Summer, feel free to get in touch, maybe we could start a support group or something?

11 thoughts on “Summertime – When Garden Birds Have A Better Sex Life Than You………

  1. Wendy says:

    I am laughing at your post – and now I know what that sound is that I hear all day that drives me mad! And I will never ever look at a pigeon without giggling again 🙂

  2. Tonette Joyce says:

    Bird porn!
    We have a lot of birds where I am…a LOT of birds, even now that it is very built-up and the farms have all but diapeared, there are all kinds of birds.No matter where I have lived, there have been birds, of course, but I was generally closer to cities,(born and bred suburbanite).For the past 19 years I have lived in Kentucky,USA, in the town where the house that inspired Stephen Foster to write “My Old Kentucky Home” is, and if he had anything right, it is the line,”And the birds make music all the day”.They do. I just wonder if a song he would have written where you are would have become so popular, and school kids would sing it?!
    I hope you and the pigeons get some rest.

  3. Generic Dad says:

    This post is greatness…Hell, I am already packing my bags to fly over there just to see these infamous sex birds! Screw the support group! Write the book! If I know my wife, she would buy anything with a title containing the words “50 Shades Of…”.

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