The Problem With Big Boobs

This morning I was woken at some ungodly hour, as usual. I sat up and almost passed out from the pain in my left boob. It felt like somebody had taken a knife to it as I slept. I spent five minutes trying to explain the pain to the husband who had slept it out and didn’t seem to give a fiddlers then I found the where the pain was coming from. A  big cut underneath my boob. It took a while to find out it happened but the culprit was a small twig/part of tree that is beside my clothesline. It had stuck to either my top or the bed sheets and I slept on it all night, with it digging in and eventually breaking the skin underneath my boob. AGONY. When recounting my sorry tale to my mother in law on the phone this morning she pointed out that I could have avoided this if I ironed. No twigs get past an iron, apparently. Helpful.

May not be exact twig or true to size

May not be exact twig or true to size

It took a good hour before I could even think of putting a bra on. I would have paid money not to not be able to wear a bra today but I had to leave the house and if you have big boobs you can’t leave the house without a bra. Walking, breathing, driving over minor bumps in roads all hurt when braless. So on the bra went and the pain has been excruciating all day. This injury wouldn’t have happened to a smaller boobed woman because the woman with smaller boobs would have woken up to the pain of a tree sticking into her. I didn’t. Due to the all the extra padding. Also the smaller boobed woman had she had this terrible injury inflicted upon her ( due to lack of ironing, apparently) would have been able to wear  pretty, thin, cute vest instead and allowed her injured boob to be free for the day. This was not an option for me. I can barely walk downstairs without a bra on.


Which brings me to all the  downsides to having bigger boobs……..

  • You can NEVER pick up cheap pretty bra’s in Penneys for a fiver because they NEVER come in small sizes. You need to walk past the colourful pretty lace bras and walk on to the sensible section. Here you may find a shiny white MASSIVE bra with a huge sticker on it shouting “Now in MASSIVE sizes” but more often than not you need to walk out of the cheap shop and go to an expensive one and spend a lot more than a fiver to get a pretty bra. There is no spur of the moment casual bra shopping with big boobs.
  • Ok I am not a runner. I can count on my hands how many times I would run per year. And by run I mean chase after a child not a 5k or anything. Sweet Jesus though, running with big boobs, hurts. A lot. Sometimes even walking fast hurts.
  • Shopping can be hellish. You find a top or a dress, it fits perfectly everywhere accept on your boobs and you get that pully/ stretch thing and you have to get bigger sizes which gape in all the other areas.
  • Most  Some men make eye contact with your boobs instead of your eyes. Admittedly this is no longer the problem it used to be, thank Christ but there was a good 15 year period where at least once a day somebody would talk to my boobs not my face. Some men don’t even try to disguise this, they are my favourite.
  • You cant sleep comfortably on your stomach, ever.
  • Backless clothes can never be worn. I have seen friends do magic with tit tape. I would need tit masking tape or tit scaffolding.
  • Gravity is a bastard. Big boobs not so good after three children.
  • My boobs got so big after having babies, they were like a seperate entity. They walked into rooms before me. Thankfully they went down again but for those couple of weeks it was no fun. I used to breastfeed and could hardly see the baby. Then came the worry that my ginormous knockers might actually suffocate the child.
  • Swimwear. There is no need to elaborate on that one.
  • Injuries. Perhaps I just have clumsy boobs but I am sorry to say- this unbelievable pain I am currently in isn’t even my worst boob injury.  I have had wasp stings, bites, torn nipples- a huge array of knocker misadventures. The worst one of them all is when you catch your boob in the car door. It has happened me too many times. There is no pain like it in the world. No small boobed woman is ever going to experience the pain of trapping a boob in the car door, lucky wagon.

bra 2

If anyone has tips on how to heal a boob that was attacked by a branch, whilst they were naively ,sleeping and thinking they were safe in their own bed, they would be most gratefully appreciated.

32 thoughts on “The Problem With Big Boobs

  1. Maud says:

    I love your giant-bra pictures! But yes, I totally understand the pain of not being able to pick up a cute pretty bra in Penneys. Though I have to say that after all these many years of breastfeeding, I can now sleep on my stomach. Less, um, density to them now, I suspect. And I am typing this wearing a sleeveless top that definitely gapes awkwardly at the armholes because it was made for someone smaller of boob. I don’t care. So there.

  2. Joanna says:

    Oh stop! I am in stitches, that is so funny (well, because of how you wrote it, not because it happened to you). The only advice I can offer is stop washing clothes, then you won’t need to dry them, then you won’t have to go near the clothesline and then you won’t have to suffer the twigs and arrows of outrageous fortune. Oh, what a laugh (and sorry for your troubles!)

  3. Lisa | says:

    Is it awful that I am laughing at your pain? I’m also trying to figure out how you could possibly catch a boob in a car door, an realising that we must be in different leagues in the cleavage department!

  4. emily says:

    I hear ya, I hear ya. All I wanted, growing up, was to go into penneys and buy a bra and knickers for a fiver: no such luck. And as for clothes…. Nightmare. Very funny post, hope the boob heals quickly!!

      • zoonabe says:

        I have done that, in my foolish youth. Now I go to the underwear shop in town and have to spend €50 a pop for a decent bra. (needless to say, I only have two now) .. and they look like UFO’s they are that big. Or hats for twins.

  5. Laura@myinternalworld says:

    I can’t empathise with you (fried eggs) but you really made me laugh today. Your narrative voice is so bloody funny in my head. You really need to write a book! On the plus side, birth has actually given me a cup size. I am now a B! wohoo. I do remember hating my giant breasts post-birth. So inconvenient

  6. Glitter Mama says:

    Owwww slather sudocrem on tonight! Have to say I kinda feel lucky I’m small now but I’m on the extreme small end and that comes with problems too lol! Id be quite happy a big B 😀

  7. Jill says:

    I just spat out my toothpaste reading that. (Yeah Im that addicted to my phone)

    I thought I was generous of boob but I’m guessing not as I’ve never had that many misadventures with them! But I’m with you on the cheap shop frustration. La Senza RIP used to cater for small back/big cup well but they’re gone 🙁

  8. mzvanessa says:

    Can i like this more, please?!

    As another big boobed sister, I agree with pretty much everything!!

    Running is the worst. Kid runs ahead of you? Dog runs in the street? No time to hold your boobs while you run after them? You’re risking damage to your face.

    Pretty bras? They do try to add those cute little bows, but it’s not the same.

    La senza says they have ‘large sizes’, I don’t know what they consider ‘large’ but they don’t have anything close to what I would consider large.

    And those hot days when those smaller girls can get away with wearing those tanks with the built in ‘bras’ yeah, not happening! WE are stuck wearing bras and sweating like pigs.

  9. Tonette Joyce says:

    (Oops, well suffice it to say I didn’t mean to offend anyone.)But you have little sympathy from me on the Other Side of the Bra Aisle. And vests? I could never wear vests or a fitted jacket; they are too heavy and I have no ripple at all. The grass is always greener,I guess.

  10. Jo Jackson says:

    Hilarious story. I am sending off to my big boobed friend….I recently had minor surgery on my boob (a boil from wearing an underwire bra no less!)…so ib am feeling your pain – while laughing

  11. momsranting says:

    I realize this post is not recent, but this is the first time I’ve come across it. I laughed out loud and then had to explain to my husband how one could get a boob stuck in a car door. I don’t think I did a great job of it.

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