This morning I was woken at some ungodly hour, as usual. I sat up and almost passed out from the pain in my left boob. It felt like somebody had taken a knife to it as I slept. I spent five minutes trying to explain the pain to the husband who had slept it out and didn’t seem to give a fiddlers then I found the where the pain was coming from. A big cut underneath my boob. It took a while to find out it happened but the culprit was a small twig/part of tree that is beside my clothesline. It had stuck to either my top or the bed sheets and I slept on it all night, with it digging in and eventually breaking the skin underneath my boob. AGONY. When recounting my sorry tale to my mother in law on the phone this morning she pointed out that I could have avoided this if I ironed. No twigs get past an iron, apparently. Helpful.
It took a good hour before I could even think of putting a bra on. I would have paid money not to not be able to wear a bra today but I had to leave the house and if you have big boobs you can’t leave the house without a bra. Walking, breathing, driving over minor bumps in roads all hurt when braless. So on the bra went and the pain has been excruciating all day. This injury wouldn’t have happened to a smaller boobed woman because the woman with smaller boobs would have woken up to the pain of a tree sticking into her. I didn’t. Due to the all the extra padding. Also the smaller boobed woman had she had this terrible injury inflicted upon her ( due to lack of ironing, apparently) would have been able to wear pretty, thin, cute vest instead and allowed her injured boob to be free for the day. This was not an option for me. I can barely walk downstairs without a bra on.
Which brings me to all the downsides to having bigger boobs……..
- You can NEVER pick up cheap pretty bra’s in Penneys for a fiver because they NEVER come in small sizes. You need to walk past the colourful pretty lace bras and walk on to the sensible section. Here you may find a shiny white MASSIVE bra with a huge sticker on it shouting “Now in MASSIVE sizes” but more often than not you need to walk out of the cheap shop and go to an expensive one and spend a lot more than a fiver to get a pretty bra. There is no spur of the moment casual bra shopping with big boobs.
- Ok I am not a runner. I can count on my hands how many times I would run per year. And by run I mean chase after a child not a 5k or anything. Sweet Jesus though, running with big boobs, hurts. A lot. Sometimes even walking fast hurts.
- Shopping can be hellish. You find a top or a dress, it fits perfectly everywhere accept on your boobs and you get that pully/ stretch thing and you have to get bigger sizes which gape in all the other areas.
MostSome men make eye contact with your boobs instead of your eyes. Admittedly this is no longer the problem it used to be, thank Christ but there was a good 15 year period where at least once a day somebody would talk to my boobs not my face. Some men don’t even try to disguise this, they are my favourite.
- You cant sleep comfortably on your stomach, ever.
- Backless clothes can never be worn. I have seen friends do magic with tit tape. I would need tit masking tape or tit scaffolding.
- Gravity is a bastard. Big boobs not so good after three children.
- My boobs got so big after having babies, they were like a seperate entity. They walked into rooms before me. Thankfully they went down again but for those couple of weeks it was no fun. I used to breastfeed and could hardly see the baby. Then came the worry that my ginormous knockers might actually suffocate the child.
- Swimwear. There is no need to elaborate on that one.
- Injuries. Perhaps I just have clumsy boobs but I am sorry to say- this unbelievable pain I am currently in isn’t even my worst boob injury. I have had wasp stings, bites, torn nipples- a huge array of knocker misadventures. The worst one of them all is when you catch your boob in the car door. It has happened me too many times. There is no pain like it in the world. No small boobed woman is ever going to experience the pain of trapping a boob in the car door, lucky wagon.
If anyone has tips on how to heal a boob that was attacked by a branch, whilst they were naively ,sleeping and thinking they were safe in their own bed, they would be most gratefully appreciated.