I have recently adopted a new method of parenting. It’s not one I am proud of.

When my eldest daughter had a temper tantrum or a meltdown, I dealt with it calmly. I throughly researched ways to deal with challenging behaviours of a small child. I read books, I googled, I dealt with it. The same with the boy. I had experience , I knew what I was doing. Then came along my youngest. I don’t know if it’s because she is the most determined person I know or whether it’s just the fact I’m older, more exhausted and generally more worn out, a combination or both or just general bad parenting. We’ve taken this bad parenting to a new level of late and introduced bribery,  broken rules and made empty promises all in the quest of an easier life. I like to call it the Fianna Fail school of parenting.

I’ll start with bribery because this is currently the most effective tool in my parenting weaponry. I have always been prone to offering a bribe to the children when the need arose but I used bribery rarely and in desperation. For example, at 8.15am when we were are running late and some item of school clothing is missing , Id offer a euro for whoever could find it. I used bribery sparingly and only in desperation.  Until recently. The three-year old loves money, loves it. She would knock a person out-of-the-way if she saw a coin on the floor to get to it and could sit for hours with sweaty coins gripped in her small fist. As negotiating, time-outs, reward charts and other popular normal parenting tools do not work with the three-year old we turned to money. She was going through a stage of waking at night so the husband offered her a euro to stay in bed all night. She smiled, got into bed, went straight asleep and got up the next morning, hand out asking for the euro. It seemed a small price to pay for a decent nights sleep and so it continued. The euros kept being dispensed and life got a bit easier but like in any bribery situation the bribes got bigger. Last week the three-year old decided she was not going to school. She does this at times. There is nothing wrong with her she just decides she is not going. We drove to school, she sat in the car seat, arms folded, grim determination on her face and kept repeating she was not going. I ran through the options in my head – there was none. I had to go to work, she had to go to school. We got out of the car and I pulled out the bribery card. C’mon I’ll give you a euro if you go to school, she sneered at me and stood her ground, ok I’ll get you a kinder egg, I suggested. And a Peppa pig magazine? Ok fine, I said, relief washing over me. So a euro, a kinder egg and a magazine she confirmed? I nodded, fighting the feeling of shame that once again I was beaten by a three-year old and in she skipped to school.

When she asks can we go to impossible places such as the moon, Disney world, swimming with dolphins, I outright lie to her and say yes next Summer. I do this to avoid hours of argument. I agree with her most of the time.

We also break the rules for her continuously . The seven-year old sits patiently as I brush her hair every morning. I walk towards the three-year old with the hairbrush and she usually stops me with her stare and I retreat. Not even the promise of cold hard cash helps with this one so I allow knotted tangled hair be her preferred style.

Last week she came home unexpectedly from my mothers where she was meant to sleep over. She left her comforter there. She was distraught lying in bed, hysterical. Then she decided she needed her dog. The dog is not allowed upstairs. She sobbed and sobbed. The dog got to see upstairs for the first time. He laid down beside her bed and she fell asleep. The dog also a healthy amount of fear of her. We seem to always break the rules for her.

Consequences of The Awful Parenting

1. I am poorer.

2. I have no change ever. She has it all. I spent ten minutes trying to get one of her euro coins from her in the supermarket car park last week as I had no change to get a trolley. Ten minutes.

3. The night after we let the dog come upstairs to say goodnight to the three-year old myself and the husband were lying in bed fast asleep at 3am. The bedroom door burst open and four stone of over excited labrador bounded in and landed on us. Heart stopping fear. I had no clue what was going on. Terrifying.

4. I have a considerable amount of shame about my new shit parenting style. That’s not to say I would not recommend it. It’s a short-term fix but it works.

5. I do wonder am I damaging my daughter but I comfort myself that I am raising a future leader and at three she already has top class negotiation skills coupled with a fierce determination, surely she will go far in life?

I am hoping this is just a stage and it will pass. The tyrannical threes come after the terrible twos and we are only a few months from her fourth birthday. All will be fine when she is four and my average to slightly above average parenting skills will return. Hopefully.

If nothing else I hope this post makes you feel better about your own poor parenting decisions……….