Before I had children, I had an idea of costs. Clothes, food, shoes, Christmas etc. You never really think of the other costs the ones that sneak up on you and use up all of your disposable income. These are some of the reasons I don’t have nice things.
1.The Tooth Fairy. She is due to visit again tonight. Its her 7 th visit in two weeks. SEVENTH. Three children all of wiggly tooth age with one teething ready to start the drain on my disposable income all over again in a few years time. An elaborate tooth fairy rates card has come about over the years, with different rates for different teeth. So one has to remember not only to put the money out and retrieve the tooth, one has to remember the correct coin and the fucking glitter. Precious first-born lost her first tooth, seemed like a nice idea. It was a stupid idea. Don’t introduce it. Also I have a box of teeth in my room. A box of body parts if you will. Why do we do that? What do people do with them? Am I meant to just store them indefinitely?
2.Parties. It is lovely my children get invited to birthday parties. Lovely BUT I have three children on the party circuit. That equates to lots and lots of birthday presents. Definitely costs more than a full head of meche quarterly which is why my hair is no longer done quarterly.
3.Head lice lotions and paraphernalia. Every brand as semi useless as its competitor. Still sucked in by their wild claims. Nitty gritty combs, preventative lotions. I even at one stage bought one of those electric combs that blast the fuckers. They don’t work. Do you know what works? If your kids would agree to wear a motorcycle helmet to school and keep it on throughout the school day. I bet that is a good lice prevention method. My kids refuse to wear one though.
4.Speaking of ickiness throw a bi annual worms medication for the whole family onto the bill there.
5.Swim hats- * sing it* – I’ve bought a few but then again too few to mention ………. ( at least seven fucking hundred and forty five at this stage.)
6.Toothpaste. Non chemical, all the chemicals, mint, bubblegum, strawberry, every flavour going . My children have never gotten to the end of the tube because they leave the top off and “its gone all icky, I can’t use it”, throw in 10 toothbrushes a year because for some reason they got lost. All the time.
7.On the same theme hair products. Bobbins, at least 7000 and 3000 hairbands. No tears shampoo. Argan oil. Tangle teasers. I bought a hot oil treatment for my five-year olds hair last week. FOR SHAME. ( Her hair gets very tangly, it was a necessity not a luxury, stop judging me)
8.Library fines the total of which would be enough to build my own library.
9.Classes. Swimming. Dancing. Drama. Tennis. Art. No not all at once. Yes I could say no but then what if your child is a future Kevin Bacon in Footloose and you deprived him of a dance class or your daughter’s destiny was to win a Best Actor in A Female Lead at the Oscars but it didn’t happen because you chose new winter boots over drama classes. Not something I want on my conscience forever more. Realistically though I do limit the class requests to even two ( ish) per child but I have three children of extra curriculum activities age, so that’s six (ish) classes to be paid for three times a year. Precious first-born was taken to a music class as a baby. Precious last born enjoys Youtube videos and dances to them without an instructor in the privacy of her own home.
10.Entertainment. Who doesn’;t love paying 50 euro for some crappy popcorn and the privilege of sitting through an appalling movie with their children. Moshi Monster Movie, I am looking at you. Playcentres- here take all my money and then overcharge me for a shit coffee. Special shout out to the ones who charge for babies. Throw in a few visits to the zoo, adventure park, skating over a year and then add the cost up at the end and cry. Cry hard.
11.School lunches- a sandwich and an apple. That should be the rule. Fucking cheesestrings and smoothies, frubes ,strawberries……………..They should be banned. All of them.
12.Pyjamas. Why do they need so many pyjamas? I have two pairs. They last about two years. My kids have had about 6000 pairs, never matching, always shrinking or disappearing and needing to be replaced.
13.Storage solutions. Because all the shit you buy them needs somewhere to live. I should have shares in Ikea at this stage.
That’s all I have for now. It’s not an exhaustive list, add your own, please.
I realise a parent of older children will read this and think Jesus the poor bitch doesn’t know whats ahead in the teenage years. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know yet.