The Tooth Fairy- That's the main drain on my tiny income this month.

13 Unexpected Costs of Raising Small Children

Before I had children, I had an idea of costs. Clothes, food, shoes, Christmas etc. You never really think of the other costs the ones that sneak up on you and use up all of your disposable income. These are some of the reasons I don’t have nice things.

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1.The Tooth Fairy. She is due to visit again tonight. Its her 7 th visit in two weeks. SEVENTH. Three children all of wiggly tooth age with one teething ready to start the drain on my disposable income all over again in a few years time.  An elaborate tooth fairy rates card has come about over the years, with different rates for different teeth. So one has to remember not only to put the money out and retrieve the tooth, one has to remember the correct coin and the fucking glitter. Precious first-born lost her  first tooth, seemed like a nice idea. It was a stupid idea. Don’t introduce it. Also I have a box of teeth in my room. A box of body parts if you will. Why do we do that? What do people do with them? Am I meant to just store them indefinitely? 

The Tooth Fairy- That's the main drain on my tiny income this month.

The Tooth Fairy- I dont have a costume, the glitter is already overkill.

2.Parties. It is lovely my children get invited to birthday parties. Lovely BUT I have three children on the party circuit. That equates to lots and lots of birthday presents. Definitely costs more than a full head of meche quarterly which is why my hair is no longer done quarterly.

3.Head lice lotions and paraphernalia. Every brand as semi useless as its competitor. Still sucked in by their wild claims. Nitty gritty combs, preventative lotions. I even at one stage bought one of those electric combs that blast the fuckers. They don’t work. Do you know what works? If your kids would agree to wear a motorcycle helmet to school and keep it on throughout the school day. I bet that is a good lice prevention method. My kids refuse to wear one though.

4.Speaking of ickiness throw a bi annual worms medication for the whole family onto the bill there.

5.Swim hats- * sing it* – I’ve bought a few but then again too few to mention  ………. ( at least seven fucking hundred and forty five at this stage.)

6.Toothpaste. Non chemical, all the chemicals, mint, bubblegum, strawberry, every flavour going . My children have never gotten to the end of the tube because they leave the top off and “its gone all icky, I can’t use it”, throw in 10 toothbrushes a year because for some reason they got lost. All the time.

7.On the same theme hair products. Bobbins, at least 7000 and 3000 hairbands. No tears shampoo. Argan oil. Tangle teasers. I bought a hot oil treatment for my five-year olds hair last week. FOR SHAME. ( Her hair gets very tangly, it was a necessity not a luxury, stop judging me)

Look at the shininess though #worthit

Look at the shininess though #worthit

8.Library fines the total of which would be enough to build my own library.

9.Classes. Swimming. Dancing. Drama. Tennis. Art. No not all at once. Yes I could say no but then what if your child is a future Kevin Bacon in Footloose and you deprived him of a dance class or your daughter’s destiny was to win a Best Actor in A Female Lead at the Oscars but it didn’t happen because you chose new winter boots over drama classes. Not something I want on my conscience forever more. Realistically though I do limit the class requests to even two ( ish) per child but I have three children of extra curriculum activities age, so that’s six (ish) classes to be paid for three times a year. Precious first-born was taken to a music class as a baby. Precious last born enjoys Youtube videos and dances to them without an instructor in the privacy of her own home.

10.Entertainment. Who doesn’;t love paying 50 euro for some crappy popcorn and the privilege of sitting through an appalling movie with their children.  Moshi Monster Movie, I am looking at you. Playcentres- here take all my money and then overcharge me for a shit coffee. Special shout out to the ones who charge for babies. Throw in a few visits to the zoo, adventure park, skating over a year and then add the cost up at the end and cry. Cry hard.

11.School lunches- a sandwich and an apple. That should be the rule. Fucking cheesestrings and smoothies, frubes ,strawberries……………..They should be banned. All of them.

12.Pyjamas. Why do they need so many pyjamas? I have two pairs. They last about two years. My kids have  had about 6000 pairs, never matching, always shrinking or disappearing and needing to be replaced.

13.Storage solutions. Because all the shit you buy them needs somewhere to live. I should have shares in Ikea at this stage.

That’s all I have for now. It’s not an exhaustive list, add your own, please.

I realise a parent of older children will read this and think Jesus the poor bitch doesn’t know whats ahead in the teenage years. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know yet.

31 thoughts on “13 Unexpected Costs of Raising Small Children

  1. Awfully Chipper says:

    Pyjamas. My poor 9yo got stuck in his pyjama top the other night because the one pair that fits was in the wash and these were some age 5 ones that were still knocking around his drawer.
    He got out again, though. It was fine. I don’t know where all his other pairs have gone.

    • The Clothesline says:

      I am glad he is free again. I can remember the horror of getting stuck in clothes as a child not as bad as the horror that is getting stuck in clothes as an adult in a changing room but pretty bad.
      Where do they go, the pyjamas?

  2. Taunya Grogan says:

    Don’t forget the money spent on Happy Meals! With the ‘stupid 30 seconds later it’s absolutely redundant and thrown on the back floor of the car, until it rolls under your foot at an awkward moment and you nearly lampoon the car around a pole’ toy. Honestly If I could resell them back to the plastic factories in Taiwan, I’d be able to buy my own McDonalds franchise – minus the Happy Meals 🙂

  3. Yaz says:

    Brilliant haha! WIth you on the play centres charging for babies, like an 8 month old that slept the whole time while there and can barely sit up to even play grrr!

  4. tric says:

    Socks feckin socks, even the ones that match don’t match after one wear.
    School bags, buy a good one to last. Lie, false advertising they do not last.
    We currently are on the look out for the owners of the six extra toothbrushes in our bathroom, not to mention the fact that grown up girls all like different shampoos and have a gullible father who keeps buying more.
    Oh dear I’d better stop, but on a final note… Pets, specifically puppies which grow up and eat and need a vet and accommodation as you holiday costing as much as your holiday, but the kids love them.

  5. L says:

    Try doing it solo, while working full-time, over the pay threshold to be eligible for any financial help whatsoever, but not earning enough to have any semblance of a life…

  6. Amanda Martin says:

    Silver donations for school, school trips, cake stalls (shop bought cakes because I can’t bake) school shirts (do the teachers dip them in paint and pasta sauce for evil fun?), and cakes at the cafe, or magazines at the supermarket, because Mummy Needs Coffee. That’s about all I can think of. Oh and throwing your own kids’ parties – in that hell right now (Mummy can I have a helium balloon and a Ninjago cake and….)

  7. Michelle Corry says:

    I can relate to these except the party one as my girls have autism and special needs kids are rarely invited to parties by their non special needs friends (it’s a sore point with many of us parents) but everything else – yes!

  8. Shelly Baker says:

    I’m with you on the kiddie soft play place ours even charged for adults to go into the building! I’ve tried on several occasions to offload my kids and stay outside but they see me coming every time.

  9. Adrienne says:

    As a mother of two boys, the words kit fills me with dread, they change them every year, so if your boys/ girls are sporty add that into the cost of gum shields, driving them to matches all over the country, training and your club memberships, I spent more time now in my car than in my home, I’m considering installing a bed in the boot!!!

  10. Susie Chopstick says:

    OMG I KNOW what you mean about the teeth! I just can’t throw them away! They’re in a corner of my drawer upstairs. What would Marie Kondo say about that one? With ours though the rates are the same for all teeth except the ones they swallow which get an exorbitant €5…and the fairy will KNOW if you swallow it on purpose. Not to mention the fact that it is very difficult to consciously swallow a tooth. I think.

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