My head is not in the game at the minute. I keep feeling like I am going to miss something or forget to do something. Its been going on for months this feeling. I could say its baby brain but I don’t have a baby, I have a toddler and also is baby brain a bit of disservice to mothers? Or do all parents suffer from the same? The husband has the same affliction. He needs reminding daily of which child is where and doing what most days. In fact over half of our conversations of late seem to be just one of us repeating the kids times of picks up and collections to the other one. It’s scintillating stuff. Then before I go to sleep I have to checklist in my head who is doing what tomorrow and what that child needs, and then chase the dark thoughts away that I am developing early onset dementia. Some nights I can’t though and a whole The Notebook type movie plays in my head with me in the lead role as victim.
I write lists and I use apps but I don’t rely on them because I don’t remember to write everything down and feel they aren’t as reliable as my head. I am even over thinking this. It’s not pleasant. Maybe its ageing or maybe its just life with four children. There is just so many things to remember and bear in mind this is pretty much all I have to do at the moment. I am not working really, personal assistant to the kids is pretty much my only responsibility and I am waiting to mess up and forgot one or not send a form back in time or forget to pay for something. Nothing ground breaking, nothing serious, still troubling me that I am almost forgetting things all the time and then I actually did forget. I forgot one child’s afterschool class was cancelled last week and didn’t collect her from school. I was actually in the school so it was fine but the look of relief when she saw me and then the tears rolling down her face when I got to her. It was only a couple of minutes and she wasn’t alone but she was scared. A tiny thing but a big thing to her.
Maybe my head space has reached capacity, it’s filled up with things I don’t need like Leaving Cert English poetry and all the lyrics to Snap’s I Got the Power instead of practical things I need now . There is also a strong chance I have too much time on my hands to worry about such inconsequential things.
Then December is lobbed into the equation. I love Christmas. I am not getting stressed about all the things there is to be done because it will get done but it’s just more remembering and organising and plays and displays and carol services and all the lovely things but there is just so many of them. Then I keep getting hit with pangs of nostalgia, it’s the Christmas ads and the Christmas music. Last Christmas Eve I got into bed with my Nana and Its A Wonderful Life was on tv. She took my glass of 7 up from me and topped it up with whiskey and had a sneaky drink and then put her nebulizer back on. I miss her. My mum and her siblings won’t have their Mum this Christmas for the first year ever. You feel loss much greater at Christmas, don’t you?
As well as all that, I keep having to do the dance of the please be quiet and don’t ring the bell and draw attention to this box when deliveries arrive of presents I have bought online. The courier’s don’t care for this dance. I assume December is a busy month for courier’s and they don’t need to see a bewildered frazzled mother jumping up and down with her finger on her lips doing exaggerated pointing and sssshhhhing. I am flinging boxes to the back of wardrobes. I can’t open them. I don’t know what I have bought or not bought or if one child has 17 presents and another only has one.
Maybe I need vitamins or more sleep or to get a grip and cop the onto myself and write more lists and just be grateful for my lovely life and that I never gave into the Elf on the Shelf.
Sing us out there Turbo B……..